Fiction

Soon, you will rule the world

You have promise, young one. You remind me of myself at your age. But you still have much to learn, and your impatience will be the death of you.

If you have to make a long speech to someone, shoot his kneecaps first. Every evening, remember to change the oil in your chainsaw, sharpen your knives, reload your gun. Increase the soundproofing in the basement. In the event of a family massacre, it never hurts to throw a grenade under every bed. Get an accent – an English one is good, a European one exudes class. Once every month, kill a henchman, preferably the one that’s quiet and flinches every time you laugh. Never forget to wash the blood off your shirt. Remember to dispose of the bodies. Nobody wears kevlar sunglasses, eye-patches or masks. Make sure that cutting the red, blue or green wires does not stop the countdown. Dress carefully – keep an extra gun in one shoe, and a knife in the heel of the other. Learn to smile without crinkling your eyes. Use stronger passwords. Vaseline makes it less painful, but it makes you look weak. If you are trapped with nowhere to go, whimper, blame your childhood and promise you will change. Or play dead. When in doubt, blow shit up. Get yourself a right-hand man. Keep him busy –  when the time comes, he can take the blame for everything. There is no such thing as a fair fight, or a noble enemy. Collateral damage is your friend. Overkill is under-rated.

Press the red button thirty minutes before the scheduled countdown. Kill your master. For added insurance, kill the other students as well. Destroy all your childhood photographs, especially the ones in your High School year-book. If you have children, force them to watch; if they blanch at the sight of blood, they’re not worth it – and you can always make more of them. It’s better to control the man who rules the world instead of ruling it yourself. Shoot first, and never ask questions – it’s more fun to make up your own answers. Read a lot of fiction, so you know what mistakes to avoid. Always get the last word in. Nothing says “no-nonsense” like a swift kick to the family jewels. Never use elevators. Keep a baseball bat with you during meetings. All strange sounds can be silenced with a semi-automatic. If you are in a nightclub, keep two women on either side – they tend to distract, and make good shields. When tracking your quarry, check the the air-conditioning vents and the attic. Hostages make good witnesses, make sure they lose their eyesight before you release them. Fire at the count of two. Video-tape everything. Hang up the phone after 1 minute and 59 seconds. Keep multiple escape-routes ready. Always remove the utility belt first. Retreat if you must, but do not forget to activate the super-virus in your mainframes. Learn to reload in ten seconds.

What was that again? Your kneecaps hurt? It will all be over in ten seconds, don’t worry.

(inspired by an email sent to a friend on his birthday. )

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11 thoughts on “Soon, you will rule the world

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