![](\"http:\/\/i37.photobucket.com\/albums\/e59\/beatzosan\/EpicFail02.jpg\")
<\/p>\nSpider-man 3<\/i> is possibly the worst movie ( never mind the adjective) I’ve seen in recent times. A movie that I caught for the first time on HBO last night, and I was glad about two things – one, the fact that I did not spend any money on theater tickets or DVDs to watch this unredeemable pile of schlock, and two, there were ads littering the screentime. The ads helped lessen the effect, heck, they might have actually deadened the pain enough for me. Sure, there is eye-candy and dollops of webswinging and skyscraper-crunching action. I swear I wanted to kick Tobey Maguire in the face everytime he took off his mask and started off on one of his wide-eyed “acting” fits. By the time he metamorphoses into aggressive Peter Darker who walks and moves like a caffeine-infused, ADD-version of John Travolta, I would have gladly stopped the kicking and picked up a power-drill or a chainsaw. Or am I getting this all wrong and the morons behind this enterprise<\/strike> filmmakers were trying to say that if you are a nerd in school, cool superpowers, a hot girlfriend and an alien symbiote pumping testosterone into your body will never make you cool – you will become a Super-Nerd. Speaking of nerds, a message to the CGI animators: basic high school science says sand plus water no equal mud. <\/p>\n
Some of the worst scenes that stick to my mind – (get it off, auuuuugh, get it off my brain!) <\/p>\n
Venom and Sandman hooking up together like a blind-date-gone-awry – “hey, random-guy-in-green-t-shirt, you like Spiders?” “No, black-spiderlike-man, I hate them.” “Great, I hate them too, let’s team up.” “Sure!”.
\nAunt May pimping off her engagement ring to her nephew. Just ask the cheapskate to buy a new one, already!
\nAn escape convict is chased across a forest and lands in a gigantic bowl. A science experiment in progress. In the middle of nowhere. AT MIDNIGHT. “Hey doctor, the weight on the sand module is different.” “Ah, don’t worry, it’s probably just a bird.” Do you really want to hear a rant about the weight difference between a bird and a man?
\nAn extended scene involving J Jonah Jameson, pills, Betty Brant and a buzzer that was Johnny Lever-meets-Kader Khan.<\/p>\n
And I think there’s this epic conspiracy among those who make superhero films, to get a bunch of kids acting in random scenes saying “whoa!”, “cool!” and assorted saccharine-loaded noises. What kind of twisted mind thinks up situations like these?If it were India, I would think it were the star secretaries who were jostling each other to have their kids doing cute stuff. <\/p>\n
And the lines, GOOD GOD, the Almighty Lines. “I like<\/i> being bad”, Eddie Brock-as-Venom intones, sliding along a wall. Oooooooo, malevolent evil! “I have nothing left”, says the granite-faced Sandman, an obvious graduate of Hemant Birje’s WAH! ( Woody and Ham, for those who came in late) school of acting. Ooooooo, emotions. “You ok?”, Spider-man to Mary Jane, after she has been kidnapped by his evil twin and left hanging atop a skyscraper in a taxi. A taxi supported by webs generated from said twin’s sticky bodily fluids, after she’s been waiting for her perennially-late boyfriend to show up and rescue her, and is nearly crushed by concrete blocks before plummetting down aforementioned skyscraper while screaming at Bruce Dickinson levels. There’s something to be said here about words failing me, but apparently they failed the screenplay writer ( Alvin Sargent, I believe) too. Aunt May mouthed some pithy lines about good and forgiveness, Mary Jane was as irritating a girlfriend could ever get and well, I am done talking about the movie.<\/p>\n
The verdict?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I am sticking to torture porn from now on.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Spider-man 3 is possibly the worst movie ( never mind the adjective) I’ve seen in recent times. A movie that I caught for the first time on HBO last night, and I was glad about two things – one, the fact that I did not spend any money on theater tickets or DVDs to watch […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-811","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/811","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=811"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/811\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=811"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=811"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beatzo.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=811"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}