There’s something about fight-scenes in Hindi movies.

Get this straight. It’s all about a guy beating up other guys. And not getting beaten up in return. The bloodier he beats them up, the better. That means he’s got moral values.( Of course he’s got moral values, dum-dum. How would he be there beating up sixty gali ka goondas without getting his butt kicked?) Lots of reverb-equipped punches. Kewl violins in the background. Or maybe a little avant-garde tabla. Better still, NO background music at all. Just bodies being mauled in slow motion. The “craaaash” as the poor goons land on piles of bottles or stacks of coconuts or get hot water poured on them – The standard “action sequence” would involve knives, tube-lights, hockey sticks, cricket bats…..you name it, we got it, pal. 101 Bollywood fight scene cliches…..you can even predict camera angles.

But what’s it with these fight scenes? You simply can’t take your eyes away from the screen once one starts. You know Sunny paaji or Sanju baba or apna Shah Rukh is going to win the day anyway ( ok, maybe if it’s a love story, the guy’s friends will come and save him. Or the guy will get his own back and flex his biceps in the climax scene) But no, you stop whatever you’re doing. Stare goggle-eyed at the screen. Maybe even wince and go “tch” when the hero gets beaten up a li’l too much. And slowly, your body attunes itself to whatever’s happening on screen. Your fist clenches, you grit your teeth. Maar saale ko, your brain screams. (Maybe if there aren’t any people around, you would actually scream the words out aloud.)

Kya hai?

I was on a bus to Pune. About to fall asleep. “Thiruda Thiruda” playing on my discman. The drone of the bus is soothing. And all of a sudden, I hear someone screaming. Open my eyes, and see that the conductor has put on a movie. it’s a video coach, you see. The screaming is not someone, it’s a something – the sound of forty-odd violins trying to imitate an orchestra.

The film is Ziddi. And Sunny praaji is screaming onscreen too. It’s his movie, you see. So no one, not even 40-odd violins, get to scream louder than him. And besides he’s getting paid by the decibel-level. I close my eyes and increase the volume-level on my discman. The occasional gunshot filters in, but that’s ok. I am about to fall asleep again.

Until the fight scene starts. I find myself staring intently at the screen, (which, since it is at the front of the bus and I am at the very back, is a tough job in itself) and going through all the aforementioned reactions….it’s unbelievable how FAKE the whole thing was – you could actually see punches not connecting, and the onlookers in the shoot grinning. But no, it was a FIGHT scene, for goshsakes!!! And suddenly I realise it’s not just me, it’s all the 36+ people inside the bus who are screaming “Maar Saale Ko!” in their heads and clenching their fists at the same time. it’s a collective response, not just my own.

Heh heh heh. I am not a freak after all.

I think this is the reason why everyone wants to become a Hero. You get to beat up lots of people without getting beaten up in return. I wonder how the people who play goondas in films feel. Don’t they lose it sometimes? Do they have psychological screenings for them? “Wanted! people who can take it without dishing it back.”