Allow me to coin a new term – “emotional vampirism”. A two-man cult of spazzies who have developed a perfect way of fleecing the already-fleeced-and-done-for group of cretins referred to as “the Indian Moviegoer”and “the NRI diasporaTM” by different newsmagazines.
Ladies and gentlemen, Karan Johar and Shahrukh Khan.
What’s more irritating – hearing the tune of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai on a cellphone ringtone or during the opening credits of Dharma Films International? Ok, we know your first movie was a Super Duper Hit, Mr Johar. You don’t have to remind me about it everytime I go to see one of your emotionally-enriched films, or even a film that’s based on one of your emotionally enriched scripts.
Yes, good. Show us shots of Ye Old Manhattane in the beginning, and show us Preity Zinta running down whatever-street-that-is. Oh, how smart, that’s not Preity Zinta. That’s not-so-Preity Zinta in a pair of glasses. I wonder how long is it going to be before Ye Hero takes off those glasses and makes a swan out of the ugly duckling.
Ooh! How cute. You have a handicapped kid and another snivelling cutie-pie daughter. ( I was kind of wondering where you would bring the kid in.) And you have Jaya Bhaduri as someone called Jenny whose American accent resembles that of an American who has been born and brought up in Mumbai, India. As does everyone else’s English accents in the movie, except for the Americans, who sound Irish and Australian, and sometimes self-taught Hindiwaadis.
I also notice that you must have liked Dil Chahta Hai and every other Saif Ali Khan movie that came out after that, right? No wonder you included Mr Born-To-Behave-Like-A-Moron in your script. No, I am not saying anything, really, I am just waiting for your partner-in-emotional-vampirism to come on the screen.
Oooh! Family trouble, eh? Everything a mess, eh? Sweetums wants an angel, does she? A friendly neighbour, then, Hallelujah. Not just any neighbour – an irritating, put-your-nose-in-wherever-it’s-not-required, do-gooder and feel-gooder supreme – in other words, Shah Rukh Khan.
And as expected, there is a shitstorm of whatever makes the world of Karan Johar go around on its perverted axis – people in and out of love, people in and out of inane song situations, loads of digs at varied stratae of our Hallowed NRI DiasporaTM.
Oh, it’s magnifique. Absolutely the kind of stuff I had braced myself for, and the more I looked at how Shah Rukh Khan, who had disguised himself as some guy named Aman Mathur ( Aman=peace, get it? Symbolism in Karan Johar films, the same way you have someone in some other film of his dancing near the Pyramids – the white sand is supposed to represent virginity and the Pyramids are a phallic symbol. Yessir, subtlety is Karan Johar’s middle name ), the more I thought of how pleasant it would be to clone him 88 times and collectively call him The Crazy 88, and then let The Bride loose on him and his emotional eyebrows. ( Fixation? What fixation? Shut up, I am talking about Kal Ho Na Ho )
Mega-Mega Spoiler Follows:- Shah Rukh Khan dies at the end. Act surprised. Thanks.
If I could, I would make him die at the beginning of the movie, when Preity Zinta drops a cup of coffee all over his head when he spills some on her, thus caving in his heart. Or make him die of convulsions when he rips off a Roy Orbison song. To make it pathetic, I would have him die with one of the cute kids on his shoulder, so that the kid is traumatised for life and vows never to join the Phillum industry and indulge in Roy-Orbison-ripping-off. Anything, boss, anything but the three hours of sap I had to go through.
If you think all this is very unwarranted and did not make any sense, remember, I am the one with the Traumatic Emotional Experience, and not you.
As expected, the fifteenth viewing of Kill Bill was exactly the same as the first – profound, moving, and giggle-inducing. madhavn was here, and we had a great time. Finished Halo on Saturday, started Jedi Knights:Jedi Academy yesterday. psasidhar gave me the Mask of Zorro OST, and with that as a background score, I finished the Johnston McCaulley novel Mark of Zorro. Started Chocolat by Joanne Harris, which, the blurb promises, is the best feel-good book ever written. Right up my alley.
at least u watched kill bill!
made a lot of sense and was very warranted!
– traumatised as well
Re: at least u watched kill bill!
My sympathies, buddy. :)
HaHaHa..Good one!
Talking about accents, don’t miss a scene in the movie Baghban.
Hema Malini looks young and glamourous. Her rude,grand daughter is a disco freak,who spends much of her time with playboy boyfriend. He takes her dancing and like in any movie,tries to rape her!
Grandma Malini makes an appearance,slaps the shocked,drunk dude, AND..fires him in WRONG tamil-like ENGLISH!(Was it “What the nonsense are you saying?”)!*GRIN*
Thank the Lord for tender mercies, I haven’t seen Baghban, and going by what I read in your lj, I don’t plan to. :)
the more I thought of how pleasant it would be to clone him 88 times and collectively call him The Crazy 88, and then let The Bride loose on him and his emotional eyebrows.
Bwahahaha!!
Thank you for this. :D
I hadn’t noticed this before, but
someone purpled my cow! ????
My pencil case (well, it’s not a case, more of a pouch really) has a picture of a cow above the word ‘Mad’. My classmate one day got bored and coloured the cow with her blue ink pen, and it came out as a weird shade of purple, which shocked me very much, and I shouted “Someone purpled my cow!” when I saw the poor thing after coming back to class from lunch.
So that’s the story. :) Also, I’m seeing KHNH tomorrow because my friend invited me and I didn’t want to say no. Luckily, I don’t know Hindi, so I won’t have to put up with most of the dialogue. I’ll just watch the pretty people and convince my friend to leave when the stars reach for their glycerine.
Possibly the weirdest etymological origin ever! :)
Only explanation
Got it out of your system :-) ?
You asked for it, didn’t you? I mean you go to see a movie with these guys at helm, and complain(ever so eloquently) that it’s everything you’d expect it to be?
Admit it, you’re a sucker for Ms. Zinta :-P
(of course, you may just be a masochist!)
Re: Only explanation
Well, SRK surprised me with Asoka. A movie where he ditched the emotional eyebrows and worked around with blood dripping from his nose. I kinda liked that. I thought – “ok, here is a movie he’s gonna die. So more blood dripping from his nose. Hence better acting.” The line of reasoning didn’t exactly work out, I know. It’s all the script’s fault. A cop-out heart failure, gah! where’s the blood?
Re: Only explanation
The only blood you’re bound to see in one of SRK’s movies is from all the nose bleeds the audience get due to the extreme trauma they undergo watching him act in one of Karan Johar’s asinine-script-based movies. That’s Mr. Johar’s version of emotional realism.. :P
target=”_blank”>Sarika
Re: Only explanation
whoa, i thought i was the biggest srk disser on this planet, but i seem to have worthy competition. :-))
You seem very bitter. :-D
You noticed!!! An A for observation!
I ditched my friends today planning to go for Kal Ho Na Ho (sticking to my snubbing-any-multisyllabic-motionpicture-made-by-a-spoilt-rich- brat code) and AM I GLAD!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D It saved me a lot of ranting breath. Reading about your misery was pretty amusing to say the least. ;)
Am gonna be watching Kill Bill in the coming two weeks in Pune! Yoooooooohoooooooooo!!!
Cheers,
target=”_blank”>Sarika
Ha ha, i hope your friends enjoyed the emotional eyebrows.
I am going for Kill Bill again tonight. Heh.
thanks for saying everything about kal ho na ho that i thought but couldn’t put in words as wonderfully saracastically as you did..:p
kill bill rocks. i’m going to go see vol 2. first day first show.
*sigh*
I hate having to wait for KB vol 2 to come to the Indian screens, mutilated beyond belief.
You know… after Mr. Johar’s pathetic attempts at cinema, and his excessively brain damaging shite(read Kuch Kuch Hotta Hai, and Kabi Khushi Kabi Gum), you really shouldn’t have gone ahead and seen this one. Okay, Saif Ali Khan is funny when he acts the moron, and yes Preity Zinta is so hot, you could make an omelette on the very screen she appears on…. but man, is the guy bad, or is the guy bad?
Although I admit I watched it too :D
But in my defense, someone brought free passes, and I NEVER sy no to anything thats for free. The painful, excruciating last half hour of tears, soppy songs, and more Shahrukh Khan close-up shots than I can take in a lifetime, made me pay nevertheless.
I wish Karan Johar would actually go to a film school and learn some cinema, and Shahrukh Khan would just watch Burt Reynolds movies at home and never show his face to humanity again.
Buddy, it’s just that I have this feeling deep down inside of me, that all film-makers deserve a chance. After all, this was Nikhil Advani’s first film and I thought he would make some sense out of you-know-who’s script. Ah, well….
Saif Ali Khan is funny when he acts the moron,
…that’s not acting ;-)
I am yet to see this movie…Reading your review, I doubt if I would watch it!! Thanks! For saving my pennies for the rainy day! Thank you…..
heh heh. even‘s post about KHNH was nice. :)
hi i just found your journal through the random function. FYI you did not coin the term emotional vampirism. its a pretty common term.
Oh ok, I just did a google search on “emotional vampirism”, and whoops, you’re right. My mish-take!
:)
I need to rename the term. Any suggestions? Basically it’s these film-makers who con the audience with situations that are bound to induce tears. Like, A loves B, but B is gonna die, so B hooks up A with C, who loves A but does not know it yet, and it’s a sign of his true love. And of course, the cute kids and the grandmother and the long-suffering mother, all of who are brimming with tears whenever anything good, bad, or ugly happens.
Er, was that clear enough?
Play it safe.
Watch Telegu Movies.
You will not understand the sob-stuff.