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Warriors? Poets?

Kisna: The Warrior Poet, is rife with subtleties. You know, the Subhash-Ghai kind of subtleties, like showing a black horse and a white horse gambolling around together. That’s supposed to symbolise love – brown guy (Vivek Oberoi) and white girl (Antonia Bernaud). And when the movie begins with this sort of subtle imagery, you do not let that faze you. You sit down calmly, and think of myriad ways to painfully assassinate the director, the cast, the scriptwriter – basically everybody involved with this film. (Except Antonia Bernaud, perhaps. Poor girl must have hardly realised what she was getting into.)

Isha Sharvani, that lady you’ve seen twirling around a rope and doing those eyepopping leg-splits on those trailers? Guess what, that’s all she does throughout the movie, so you better get used to your eyes popping out for 2 hours and 35 minutes. You would love to have this kind of girl around the house – she gets happy, she twirls on ropes; she is dejected, she twirls on ropes; she’s angry, she twirls on ropes some more. And when she finds her homegrown loverboy in the arms of a firanghee and is spurned by him in the name of karma and dharma and karma-dharma and dharma-karma and all those B-movies of the eighties? She twirls on ropes atop a burning tree . Get it? Get it? Burning tree. Symbolism.

The events unfold in this quaint little village called Dharmaprayag, which is where the rivers Alakananda and Bhagirathi meet. ( How do I remember this bit of information? There’s an Odyssey quiz coming soon, buddy, and you never know where these quizmasters get their questions from.) So, the first half of the movie, Dharmaprayag’s where all the action is. You have a distinguished English lady coming to this village, where everybody behaves like B-actors trying hard to come to terms with acting in an A-movie, and getting regaled by Banjaran dancers from Rajasthan, and being snubbed by some yo-dude-checkisout-type reporters about her ignorance of India and Indianness. Surprise, surprise, the lady turns out to be fluent in Hindi, and also turns out she has a story to tell. That, of course, is the story of Kisna, which was supposed to have happened in 1947. Why did the lady delay her return to India and her meeting Kisna again? Because she watched Titanic just last year, and if Gloria Stuart can do it, so can she.

I would love to say some more about Ghai-saab’s refined tastes, like shooting a song against a blue sky with dancers wearing blue inside a blue-crystal cave-ish kotha. ( Blue. Kisna. Blue. Get it? ) And amidst all this bluescreen shooting, the poor man forgot that to have an item number, ( Ssshhh. Never mind the fact that this is 1947 and item numbers didn’t exist then. Dude, you had item numbers in 53 BC, when Emperor Ashahrukha was around.) you need an item. Not Sushmita Sen. I don’t remember seeing any part of her body moving, other than her eyes. Yes, she was that bad.

Then there is a scene which is Subhash Ghai’s tribute to Raj Kapoor. You have the river Ganga flowing by, and you have two lovers, and you have Raj Kapoor to pay homage to, so what do you do? Kick yourselves if you didn’t get this. You have the babe call herself Gangotri, dress up in flimsy white clothes, and then go have a dip in the Ganga. Dude, I love this homage-shit, man. I haven’t seen…you know…the goods on a babe in a Hindi film since the last time Ganga was unclean, hey Ram. ( Yes, I haven’t seen Shaque and I suggest you don’t, too. )

What a dump of a movie. This is the last time I go to see a film just because it has Rahman music in it. Humph!

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43 thoughts on “Warriors? Poets?

  1. you are learning, da :)

    and well, yesterday there was this interview of ghai saab, and the reporter asked him about a rumour going around that the english version had a kiss in the ganga scene and the hindi one didn’t.
    so mr ghai says “we shot it that way, but to my surprise the english censor cut it. so i asked him, ‘why did you cut that’ and the censor tells me, ‘because, mr ghai, your kisna is a honourable man'”

    well, as brutus said, they are all honourable men :))

    • as brutus said, they are all honourable men

      Don’t get all Shakespearan on me, dude. And besides, it was Antony who said that, not Brutus. And what – you have started reading Ghai saab interviews now?

  2. I wasted 150 rupees on that effing movie! And what bugged me more than anything else that tripe offered was that though Ghai tried to keep things past date, he utterly failed at giving it that feeling! [/incoherent gibber]

    And WTF was that sudden song sequence in the Church all about?

  3. Great review…should have read it before I went to watch the movie…I would have gone anyway probably but would have been warned in advance not to expect the good stuff that a couple of reviews in the media are touting the movie to have. I wrote my review too before coming here but yours gives a much better picture.

    Arnav

  4. Rediff’s review

    Kisna is a really big film, the kind that hasn’t been seen in Bollywood since Lagaan or Asoka, and one can arguably say that it has better period detailing than both those films

    The real strength of Kisna is in its casting. The director hasn’t invested on A-listers, just a powerful group of talents from theatre and television, and spent his money on the production, which shows. The character actors make Kisna believable, and give the film heart

    Sushmita Sen makes a dazzling appearance in a scene that even present generations would now recognise as an ode to Mughal-e-Azam, and tosses in a fillip of glamour at a time when the film needs it the most.

    The film is cunningly crafted, and you have to marvel at the cleverness displayed by the director.

    Only thing that review has it in common with urs is that Isha Sharvani belongs to circus. Even then rediff qualifies that with :
    these circus moments act as visual relief, and are obvious awe-candy for the Western audience

    I dunno if ghai paid for that review. He cant get a better review than that even if he had paid.

    • Re: Rediff’s review

      I know the guy who wrote this review. He actually did enjoy the movie. I dunno though… Ive read a bad and a good review now, so I’ll have to actually *see* it to make up my mind.

      • Re: Rediff’s review

        hmm…
        The trailors werent promising when I saw them. So I am really not thinking abt seeing it since IMHO Ghai hasnt made a worthwhile movie in a long time

          • Re: Rediff’s review

            Ram Lakhan is worth a watch if u r into Masala. He basically uses all the formulae but it is nonstop, so if something doesnt work u will be into the next sequence before the previous one sinks in. I am not saying it is great but it is a decent timepass

            • Re: Rediff’s review

              That reminds me. The self-professed greatest showman of india while producing his ultimate gem ‘Trimurti’ said that he and the heroes of that film fell asleep during the preview show of ‘Goldeneye’ which was released around that time in UK. From what I have heard the viewers of Trimurti committed suicide or were driven to madness. Do u know any sane person who has watched that film in its entirety?

  5. “( Yes, I haven’t seen Shaque and I suggest you don’t, too. )”

    tch tch, dont diss wht u havent seen bro.. that was a masterpiece if there ever was a C-grade one.. for more on it, chk tht piece out:

    “http://www.fullhyderabad.com/blogs/blog.php?blog=azazel&action=comment&id=3733”

  6. oi.

    *grin*
    guess you know I’m the rediff reviewer in question, eh?
    :) Probably the only guy in Bombay (the world? no, come on, Bernath’s folks mighta liked some scenes!) outside of the Ghai who likes it.
    but what can I say, bro? I like it. Watched it twice. Something about it kinda works fer me. And I had fun. Ain’t that what it’s all about?

    peace, bro.
    good review, also. : )

  7. Anonymous says:

    Awesome. Just awesome.

    This is such an amusing review. I’m betting it’s rather acurate as well, lol. I’m yet to see Kisna, but I’m planning on seeing it soon. I love the music, ARR is a genius, much like my favorite football coach, Bill Belichick :D. But anyways, I love all the songs, they’re so awesome. Especially “Ham Hain Is Pal Yahan”, truly beautiful song.

    Another thing though. I read a few of your other entries, and I have to give you “props” [not a term I use in my everyday vocabulary, haha]. But seriously good job on being so Indian! I love it when I see other kids being Indian and enjoying it. I have to admit though, I’m Telegu, but I don’t watch any Telegu movies. :/. But anyways, great entry. :D

    • Re: Awesome. Just awesome.

      Thank you for the kind words. Don’t go by my review, though, I just get too angsty at times when things don’t happen my way. I went to see the movie just because of the Hum Hai Iss Pal Yahaan song, it just didn’t live up to the expectations.

      But seriously good job on being so Indian!

      This is the first time someone has said this. Thanks again.

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