As I’ve repeatedly asserted six hundred and twenty seven times before on this journal, I do not watch TV. I used to, back when I was a kid. When a cable connection was a luxury we didn’t have at home, I used to think of every conceivable excuse to go to my uncle’s place and watch Zee TV and Star TV ( it was not Star Plus then, just Star TV) alternately until my aunt would kick me out. I would sob to myself every morning as I read the program listing on these two channels for the day in the newspaper. I used to marvel at my classmates who would come to school humming the latest Hindi movie tunes they heard on this channel on this programme just the night before, while I would have to wait for at least a week more to hear those songs on Big Sister ( That’s Doordarshan, or Didi, for short). I used to savour Friday and Saturday nights, because they were the only two times I could watch Good Hollywood Movies like Encino Man and Can’t Buy Me Love and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, the really bad MGM version.
But things eventually got better when I lost my attention span. As a result of which I can no longer sit in front of the TV.
But yeah, occasionally I do stand in front of the TV. I have always maintained that the television is a hypnotic device – if you ignore it, it’s not there at all, but if you look around and glance at whatever’s going on onscreen, you find the glance converted to a stare, and your bodily mechanisms cease functioning. You are, in effect, a zombie. Until the ads come on, and you blink, and realise that you are holding a shoe in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other, and there’s toothpaste all over your shoe because you thought the shoe was a toothbrush and ..well, all because some fat lady was wiggling her fat bottom all over the twenty-one inches of space available to her.
Fat-bottomed lady, you ask?
Well, I have a flat-mate. A colleague, really, a chap whose life revolves around Java documents, curd rice, and yes, regional TV channels. Two or three of them TV channels, each of which seem to feature aforementioned ladies prancing around to rather crunchy ethnic beats. How do I know? I know because every morning I wake up to the sound of crunchy ethnic beats, so there. I can’t really blame him. Because every night he goes to sleep to the bone-jarring rhythms of whatever it is that I am playing on my Creative Multi-surround Speakers, and probably gets nightmares because of that, poor fellow. And thus, we lead a fairly harmonious life at our ‘umble abode, with our mornings and nights punctuated by the most enthusiastic of sounds, or the most distressing, depending on whom you ask at what point of time. Apart from the ethnic beats, there are often sounds of mayhem ( fight scenes), or other sounds of mayhem (family squabbles) or…umm….yet other sounds of mayhem ( emotional scenes) to be found on these channels.
Today morning I woke up to such an SoM ( that’s Sound of Mayhem, in case you didn’t read the line before this), the first kind, a fight scene. Now as my good friend and ex-junior vrikodhara will agree, nothing comes close to Telugu movies when it comes to innovative maar-dhaad ( There, I just went the Ashok Wanker way). I remember the time he showed me a clipping from some movie whose name I do not remember, sorry, in which there are two cans on two gate-posts and there are two villains walking very conveniently towards the hero, who’s standing very conveniently near the gate. And then the hero kicks the cans one after the other in super-slo-mo and each of these cans very conveniently hits the bad guys on the forehead. All this happens in something like three seconds, but of course, there is the Action Replay, in which the same scene gets shown five or six times from different angles just to drive the subtlety of the kick home. Because you wouldn’t really notice a kick like that unless you saw it five or six times.
Last I heard, the Action-Replay thing was copied lock, stock and two smoking barrels by this Thai filmmaker Pinkaew in his Ong-Bak. Bah, copycats.
Anyways, I have seen fight-scenes. I have drooled over them in my lifetime. I have even written lj-posts devoted to onscreen fight scenes. But the guys who do the action in Telugu movies know how to improvise, and my respect for them increases day by day. Especially today.
So when I woke up, there was a fight scene in progress on the TV screen. There were a shitload of bad guys running after the noble hero along our very own Tank Bund. Occasionally one of them would get close and be royally clobbered by our man, and fall away. Ethnic music in the background. Very engaging chase scene, because I have the toothpaste tube in one hand and have totally forgotten to do anything with it. Because, you see, the bad guys are chasing the hero, who is rolling down Tank Bund on his SEWING MACHINE.
There must have been a logical reason for this, of course. There was – the protagonist is a noble footpath tailor, as my colleague explained later, who earned his daily bread surrounded by fat bottomed ladies queued up to get their dresses stitched by him ( See? See? I knew there would be FB ladies around! ). There is even a very touching scene about ten minutes later into the movie, in which the heroine, dressed in psychedelic yellow ribbons and a pink skirt and a polka-dotted something, is surrounded by her friends. They ask her – “Where did you get this dress stitched?” ( I do not know Telugu, but the ladies’s orgasmic expressions as they gazed upon the eyeball-humping dress were enough to convey the gist of what they were saying.)
“Importeda?”, ask the friends.
“Nope.”, the lady sniggers.
“Cherma’s?”, they persist.
“uh HUH.”, she says, with the camera focussing on the expression of glee on her face.
“Then where?”
Close-up. Noble look on face. “Footpath tailor.” That is exactly what she says. “Footpath tailor”, and of course the camera now pans to our hardworking fellow at work with his sewing machine, now surrounded by all the friends of the heroine who want to be hipper than the hippest of them all.
The same sewing machine was being used an an instrument of mass-destruction just when I began watching the scene. It was one of the old models, a foot-operated sewing machine, my ma used to have one of those. They have wheels underneath to make transport easy, and this was how our man was using it, as an impromptu skateboard of sorts, a rolling rampage of revenge. Occasionally one of the bad guys would get too nasty and throw the guy off. The sewing machine would stop. There would be a couple of grunts and some of those sound-effects familiar to us Indian movie afficionados, and off the guy would go again, on his killing…erm…sewing machine.
Now Tank Bund is a busy thoroughfare, right? It’s one of the busiest streets in Hyderabad, and the film-makers must have seen a lot of possibility in that, so the sewing machine’s killer run was interrupted by this Ambassador car that piled towards it. Screech of tires, followed by a head-on collision. The sewing machine, and the hero are both thrown to the side of the road – both of them safe because, dude, they fall in slow motion. The spoilsport Ambassador? It did what all self-respecting car in Movies do – somersault a couple of times, burst into flames and then explode.
It was at this point that there was an ad-break, and I, free of the malevolent influence, escaped to the safety of the bathroom.
This tailor guy now, was his name Subhash Chandra Bose?
Uhm, no no no. That’s a new film. This one was fairly old.
heh heh.. so you heard abt that movie too eh, Madhav? ;)
I was wondering when both of you (beatzo and you) would hear about it ! :)
So did you watch Subhash Chandra Bose first day first show too? ;-)
hehe.. never ! :P
i heard its a crap movie.
I only watch Chiru/Pavan Kalyan/Allu Arjun movies first day first show as I support that stable ! :P
and of course I never watch NTR/Bala Krishna stable movies even though I get free ticket. Cause they are full of double meaning dialogues and vulgar dances. Atleast chiru stable movies have some good story like Indra had backdrop of Varanasi and emphasised the water problem in Rayalseema and Bunny (Allu Arjun) emphasised the water problem in East and West Godavari districts.
I can’t believe I read the entire thing.
See? Even *reading* about stuff happening on TV is addictive.
I can.
Excellently written Beatzo. :)
Thank you. :)
*lol*
I have to see this movie. What’s the name?
Well, I asked my colleague which movie it was, and he said it was called “Na Mogudu Nake Sontam”. Roughly translated, it means “My Husband is Mine Alone, so Bugger Off” or something.
Definitely not *shudder* recommended.
Andhra has the highest % of extra-marital affairs in India.
The title will draw women who seek solace, and men who seek some raunchy double entendres.
The reference movie was Okkadu one of the greatest movies ever made. Pure unadulterated pulp.
The tailor movie is Ladies Tailor shot sometime back in 1986, when afaik Tank Bandh didn’t exist as it does now.
I meant: The tailor movie probably is …
Its not Ladies Tailor
Hey i want to contest this claim..Now Ladies Tailor was an excellent comedy movie..Although there are fat bottomed ladies in the movie, no chansing scenes as dipicted.
Infact the “Ladies Tailor” is not after fame by stiching hip dresses but to find which lady has a mole rather high up on the thigh.
Re: Its not Ladies Tailor
Well, my mistake.
Actually got corrected already. But no one seems to know which movie this is.
Ohoho, someone is touchy about Okkadu! Tsk tsk.
>:P
Why doesn’t your userpic speak for Mahesh Babu’s town from the “pure unadulterated pulp” instead of the average Sin city quip? Just a suggestion
May be it does.
How cryptic!
Here you go.
“Na Mogudu Nake Sontam” seems to be the name of the movie. Nyaah nyaah nyaah!
How did you find out?
no wonder I didnt know the scene. who watches such crap movies anyway?? ;)
My flat-mate. :-“
heh heh.. he *needs* to get a life man !! ;)
>.The reference movie was Okkadu one of the greatest movies ever made. Pure unadulterated pulp.
was that sarci? ;)
For your information, watched Okkadu forty-seven times, or thereabouts.
oh my god ! I never knew why people liked that movie so much. It was so artificial anyway – mahesh babu alone taking up some 80-90 rayalseema goons and beating the crap out of them.
the only things i liked about the movie are “Cheppave chirugali”, Prakash Raj’s acting (now getting a bit boring repeating the same in hajaar movies) and Bhumika ! :P *swoons*
vrikodhara is God. I have added him. Twice.
Knowing this made me break into a spontaneous rendition of “maa Telugu talliki…”, the state anthem.
But seriously, the songs are quite good.
And oh, you know is from Assam, right? :-D
@_@
I’m besotted with any individual or organization that watches Okkadu 47 times.
Meanwhile, I present the gult manifesto:
(All credits go to an LJ community called she_bears and the original poster, one Ms. limegreensquid.)
sexy plot. is there also a title song that goes “iyam the tailor, ladies chaylor, champestaan?”
we go look for this in nm this sunday, what say?
I have a better idea. YOU go look for this in NM this saturday, and I stay at home and laugh my ass off at you.
Har har.
i love “Chettukinda Pleader” and “April 1 vidudala” from the Rajendra Prasad stable.
that was hilarious.
i remember another telegu/kannada movie where the dude is a tailor and is told by some soothsayer his bride has a mole on her mmm lets say upper leg in order to assure the discerning reader that this was not “that kinda movie”…. and needs to know whom it is among the 3 FBLs who dote him.
but that movie was really hilarious
That, I believe, was the cult “Ladies Tailor”, that and are debating so earnestly about.
yup that’s ladies tailor. :)
it also started the “k bhasha”.. using k before every letter in a word.. like “maccha”(mole) would be said “kamakaccha”
awesome.. cult movie ! :)
You actually watched all of it? :-o
Ehhhhhhhhh? Of course not. Just the fight scene, and the leading lady’s testimonials. :)
Nitpicking… It was always Star Plus, dude. The network was called the Star TV Network and had 5 channels. Star Plus, Star Sports, MTV, BBC and Zee TV. Oh and they had a slightly different logo. That’s all. :p
Well, blame it on old age. And Preacher. :-D
Happiness is reading posts like these again.
This was written during the benganalu days?
Yes indeed. Which is why I loathe privatizing old entries. Unlike…ahem….
I sent the pdfs, didn’t I?
If I didn’t, will, ask soon as lj book allows me access again.